May 5th, 2008
How to Survive a Horror Movie
I watched Asylum this morning with my kid brother - and for some time, Allen - before Allen and I left for the shop.
It made me think of how characters in horror flicks often - make that almost always - commit the same DEADLY mistakes.
So I thought, if I were in a horror movie, I'd make sure NOT to do any of the following:
In no particular order
NEVER ----
1) Look back.
They're always, always behind you. Even if you hear them, they're still there.
2) Think it's not real.
It is. People who doubt, joke, scoff, or worse, bully people who do believe that something unnatural's going on is usually the first to die.
3) Take off my clothes.
For any reason! They often die in the first few minutes of the movie.
4) Assume IT is dead, whatever IT may be.
If you're going to kill it, give it your best shot. If you're going to check if it's dead, assume that it's not.
5) Enter any premise that people say it's haunted.
If people say it's haunted, it is. There's this blog I stumbled into - without help from Stumble Upon though - that features the same topic and he writes how one of Eddie Murphy's movie characters say something like 'why can't white people just leave the house? if they say it's haunted then it's haunted".
6) Separate.
The more isn't just merrier, it's safer, too. Never venture into a house, forest, school, graveyard, church or just any place ALONE. You're practically begging to be killed.
7) Panic.
Easiest way to get killed.
8) Have hangups about the past.
Supernatural villains tend to have a way of using it against you.
9) Answer the phone.
Sometimes you have to - like when your friend's trying to warn you about the killer (mortal or otherwise) inside your house - but more often than not (Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Ringu, and 10,504 more), the message really isn't to your advantage to hear.
10) Be curious.
Cats are not the only ones who die because of curiosity. Being curious is what makes you discover things best left unknown. Don't be curious, specifically, about locked doors, dusty old books, strange creatures, eerie-looking places, and just about anything that looks curious.
11) Stay put when lights start flickering.
It's a dead giveaway for supernatural presence.
12) Stay in a house whose history you're unaware of.
And the worst transgressors of this rule would probably be the folks in Amityville. They already knew of what happened, but they still didn't mind!
Of course, being a war machine like Resident Evil's Alice, resourceful like Lara Croft, ruthless like Alien's Ellen Ripley, or just being a plain Ghostbuster would help a lot, but then again where's the fun in that?
Now, in Area 51, a similar list was created and here are some of my favorites:
Never say that you'll be right back because you won't be.
Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery so it will start immediately in times of crisis.
Turn the bloody lights on!
Big breasts and blonde hair are a death wish.
If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
Always check the back seat of your car.
If on a stormy night, you find a window open which you thought was previously closed, do not close it. It may be your only way out when whatever has come in through it is chasing you.
If your friend turns into a demon and then suddenly turns back to normal, kill them because they are not normal!
Go ahead and slap the screaming hysterical girl, she will be the one to distract everyone when there really is danger.
Nothing is ever over if it is still night-time.
Take heed of all warnings from animals and children. They usually know more than you do.
Never run to the top floor of any building if you are being chased by a maniac/monster. Your only way out will be to jump.
Do not take *anything* from the dead.
Stay away from certain geographical locations. Such as: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle or any small town in Maine.
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, smoldering irons, band saws or any (possibly deathly) device made from deceased companions.
Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.
When battling zombies, always sever their head or shoot them in the brain. If you they still want to eat you after that, just surrender. There's no hope for you anyway.
Never say "Who's there?" It's a death wish.
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And to round things off nicely, here are a couple of books I saw in Amazon that would go well with this topic:
How to Survive a Horror Movie: All the Skills to Dodge the Kills
Chapters include:
How to Survive a Night of Babysitting
How to Convince the Skeptical Local Sheriff
How to Perform an Exorcism
How to Tell If You've Been Dead Since the Beginning of the Movie
How to Vanquish a Murderous Doll
The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead
- Written by Mel Brooks' son and SNL staff writer Max Brooks.
World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War
-still from the same author (Brooks)
How to Build a Robot Army: Tips on Defending Planet Earth Against Alien Invaders, Ninjas, and Zombies
- written by Daniel H. Wilson. He has another book - How to Survive a Robot Uprising.
The Monster Hunter's Handbook: The Ultimate Guide to Saving Mankind from Vampires, Zombies, Hellhounds, and Other Mythical Beasts
- it's fully illustrated, too!
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Any tips / thoughts to contribute?